On Confidence

There has always been this dream of mine, more the daydream kind than the sleep dream kind, that involves me being really old and wrinkly and wearing huge sun hats and garden boots and old baggy mens shirts and cardigans. And in my current state of childhood, I desire to be so old that I no longer care what I look like or what people think of me and I can wear and say whatever I want. And while I try to be more wise than to wish my life away, I have an unquenchable thirst for this certain level of freedom that only comes with age and many, many wrinkles.

I’m twenty six years old, and while I already wear strange things and huge hats and mismatched outfits, there still remains a sort of vanity deep within my soul. The thought of getting married and sharing all my imperfections (the less than perfect swimsuit legs, the stretch marks from when I grew an entire foot during the summer of ’94, the perma dark circles under my eyes) was rather paralyzing. There was somehow this lack of enthusiasm in baring all to my new and optimistic husband. And this is as perfect as my body will ever be, for gravity has its ways and no one will ever conquor it.

And yet, here lies freedom. For every young girl with doubts and imperfections, take heart. Your husband will find you the most beautiful creature alive. Yes, you’ll still annoy him some days, and sometimes he’d rather you not play with his hair and scratch his back while he’s working on your marriage blog. Ahem. But at the end of the day, there is freedom in being loved through things he’ll never even notice. There is joy in seeing beyond yourself, in watching him admire your wisdom and see the beauty in your body and your soul, rather than focusing on what isn’t. Cast your fears and your bodies aside, for love is real and it offers more freedom than staying hidden behind makeup or clothing or even big hats. For you are “fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners…” He hardly stands a chance.

And if you’re a man, and if you have the chance to glean from the soul of a woman, then close your eyes and dive in. The rest is an ever-aging, soon-to-be-vanished-from-this-world vessel. While in this life, you hold her very soul in your hands.

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17 thoughts on “On Confidence”

  1. I don't know if it's kosher (it's not) to comment on your own blog like this but I have to say this is one of the best blog posts I've ever read. Jen knows I'm proud of her and in love with the way she writes but I figured everyone else should know it as well.

  2. Many people ask "What was life like before Facebook?"

    Well, right now, I'm asking this: "What was life like before OurMarriageProject?"

    Amazing post Jen..

  3. Jen, as a member of your extended family let me say that I love you. Both your blogs,
    re Our Marriage Project, are definitely works of art and I can't wait to read then
    each morning. All of them have been outstanding and today's is no exception. One of
    the very best I have ever read. Mimi and I love you.

  4. You are amazing! I miss you. I am so thankful for this blog and the way that I still feel connected to you through your marriage even though you are many miles away.

  5. I love you and your mismatched clothing, big hats and cardigans, but I love you even more for always encouraging me to take heart and accept my imperfections whatever they may be…even from hundreds of miles away. Love you sister.

  6. I would not be able to say anything better than did Po (Bill). Makes me wish I had help like this in my younger days! Thanks for both of you being so open and vulnerable. Love you.

  7. Wow. I was well into my marriage of 27 yrs and 2 kids before I realized what you so beautifully wrote! Thank you for sharing!

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