One of the easiest things about marriage is sharing our joys. It’s so much fun to talk about exciting things we want to do, adventures we’ve been on, our faith, our kids (yeah they’re not real, but we talk about them), and our lives together. It is during the times when I’m doubtful that I don’t want to share with my husband. It’s during a spiritually dry season. When I don’t really believe I can start my own business. When my heart lacks every kind of joy that I know it should have. Those are the times I’d rather sweep under the rug until I can deal with them on my own.
I’ve gone through all these things before. I know I’ll overcome them by myself-or they’ll just pass after some time. Yet I know that becoming one in marriage means sharing the good and the bad, even when I don’t want to.
I’ve been struggling lately in several departments. I know they all need to come out in the open before they’re forced out in a sobbing, irrational, and incoherent mess. Yet three things get in my way:
Pride. I don’t know why I would ever think that Kyle is confused about who I am. Nobody else really has much of a clue, but he lives with me and sees every flaw in my being. Yet I feel a need to keep up appearances, even, and especially, with him.
Dismissal. It’s easier to pretend that things aren’t as bad as they really are. So I dismiss them within my own heart until I’m convinced there’s no need to share my doubts and struggles.
Fear. Maybe I’m afraid that admitting failures makes me a bad wife. Maybe I’m just afraid to say it all out loud. But it’s like a giant failure boogie monster is going to jump out from within the closet as soon as I speak the words.
It’s getting easier to talk about who is going to mop and who will shop for groceries this week. But talking about how I’m failing? Still a battle yet to be conquered.
What’s one battle you’ve overcome with your spouse?